you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize