Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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