Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Boobs are out for the taking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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