my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
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You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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