A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
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our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
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I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
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