I met the friendliest cop last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize