Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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