made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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