I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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