when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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