when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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