Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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