Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
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FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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