I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my fart just growled at me.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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