So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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