I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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