I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
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I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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