Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
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It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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