phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize