I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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