12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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