just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
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I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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