there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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