I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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