He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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