I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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