I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
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Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Who died my cat blue again?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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