Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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