my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
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