God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
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A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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