dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
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He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize