I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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