Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
