found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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