Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
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Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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