Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize