I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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