It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
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Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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