Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
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i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
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I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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