This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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