Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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