She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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