Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
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Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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