If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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