the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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