update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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