apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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