Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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