last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize