If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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